How to say more with less -- word economy

The point is located at the corner of word economy and clarity

By Hal DeKeyser
Hal DeKeyser & Associates (www.HalDeKeyser.com)
WestValley101.com

In editing reporters’ copy and marketers’ releases, I find countless words and phrases that add no meaning but take up valuable space. In the printed form, that acreage is priceless as publishers have to murder more trees to get in more words. While the Web may make that real estate much cheaper, the larger battle is for the attention of readers, who all have their own story length pain point, the spot where they say to themselves that whatever is in front of them isn’t even worth starting because it’s just too long.

So when getting their attention is so valuable, we should husband time and space as frugally as possible. A great place to start is getting rid of words we throw in for the comfort of cliché that really add no information. This may seem to be persnickety, but you would be surprised at how many useless, and sometimes silly, words take up valuable space.

Here are some tips for doing so (culled from just a few days of releases sent to me at WestValley101.com – with the content slightly changed to protect the guilty):

Words you should cut out of your language:

Located at 1234 Elm St.
If it’s lost and someone found it, it’s been located. Otherwise, it’s just “at.”

Will be held at
Will be at. “Held” adds no meaning but does add a word.

in an effort to .
Just use “to”

A total of nine
Nine

All proceeds from the event go to benefit X.
Try this: Proceeds benefit X. We can assume the “all” unless we’re told different. We don’t need “from the event” when the event is all we’ve talked about heretofore. And “go to” adds no meaning.

“They voted to pursue the purchase of . . .”
“They voted to buy . . .” Also, “buy” is much more active and much less stilted than “the purchase of.”

seeing possible signs of a recession
Doesn’t “signs” tell you that it’s just a possibility. “Signs” of a recession indicate that a recession is possible. The signs are real, not merely possible. They are the dots along the trend line that one might piece together to infer a recession. It’s not the signs that are in doubt, it is whether they signal a recession.

“You can get that directly and at no cost through X at . . . ’’
Try: “You can get that free at . . .”

“At the corner of Southern and Dobson . . .”
We can assume that where two streets meet, a corner will be part of the package. Let’s just say “at Southern and Dobson” unless we want to indicate the southwest corner or other useful information.

“He fled the scene and ran away on foot.”
First, “fled the scene” is cop talk; no one else talks like that. Of course it’s “the scene” he left; it’s not likely to be someplace else.
I love this one, “ran away on foot.” Isn’t that how most running is accomplished? If he ran away on stilts, tell me that. Otherwise, assume the reader can figure out the foot part.
All that’s needed is: “He ran away.”

“the incident that occurred at the city park . . .
The word “incident” implies action of some sort – you can’t have an incident without something moving, even if it’s just lips. So you don’t need “that occurred at.” Just say “the incident at the city park.”

Some.
That is another word thrown in casually and without regard to adding meaning. If you mean “not all,” it adds meaning, as in “Some (not all) legislators showed up.” If you just mean “a few of” or “multiple,” then the plural “legislators” says that.

That’s all for now. Find more editing and writing tips at HalDeKeyser.com, click on Resources and then Writing.

Hal DeKeyser has 30 years experience in media, editing, writing and helping people find and get to the point. To get him to help you, contact him via Hal@WestValley101.com, www.haldekeyser.com or 602-316-6863.